I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
