mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
