I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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