I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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