dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
