I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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