I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
