there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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