I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
