youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
