I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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