Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
