I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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