I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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