So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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