this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
