The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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