I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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