Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
