Non-Jews are for practice
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize