i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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