I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
