My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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