A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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