when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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