I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize