My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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