Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
