Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
