she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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