mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
