how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
