my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
