2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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