I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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