That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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