I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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