I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pants are for mortals
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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