the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
