I'm going to jail i love you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
