I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
