Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
