I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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