I want to walk on stilts...naked
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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