If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
