you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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