i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
