: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
