Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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