threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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