It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
