I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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