Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
