Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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