Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize