remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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