I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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