I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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