The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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