Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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