every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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