You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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