you would pick up someone in the library
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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